Defining Harmful “Toxic Positivity” and Using Healthy Alternatives

Toxic positivity is the belief that people should always maintain a positive mindset — no matter how difficult, painful, or unfair their circumstances are. It’s the excessive or insincere promotion of positivity that invalidates or suppresses genuine human emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, or grief.

💬 Common Examples

• “Just stay positive!” when someone is grieving or struggling.

• “It could be worse.”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “Good vibes only.”

While these phrases might be well-intentioned, they can cause harm when they dismiss or minimize someone’s real pain.

⚠️ Why It Can Be Harmful

1. Invalidates emotions: It tells people their negative feelings are wrong or unacceptable, which can make them feel guilty or ashamed for having them.

2. Prevents authentic connection: When emotions are dismissed, people feel misunderstood or isolated, which weakens relationships and discourages honest communication.

3. Delays healing and growth: Suppressing negative emotions instead of processing them can lead to unresolved stress, anxiety, or depression over time.

4. Creates unrealistic standards: It promotes the false idea that “happy people” never struggle — leading to self-criticism when someone inevitably does.

5. Overlooks systemic or real problems: Focusing only on positivity can downplay real challenges like financial hardship, discrimination, or trauma, implying it’s an individual’s fault if they can’t “think positive.”

🌱 Healthy Alternative: Balanced Positivity

• Acknowledge pain or discomfort (“That sounds really hard.”)

• Validate feelings (“It makes sense you’d feel upset.”)

• Encourage hope or constructive action (“I believe things can get better — how can I support you?”)

This approach combines empathy with optimism, allowing space for all emotions — not just the pleasant ones.

Here are some examples of common toxic positivity phrases and how you can replace them with empathetic, emotionally validating responses that show understanding and support.

💬 Instead of “Just stay positive.”

➡️ Try:

• “I can see this is really tough for you. It’s okay to feel upset right now.”

• “I’m here with you, even if things feel hard.”

💬 Instead of “Everything happens for a reason.”

➡️ Try:

• “It’s understandable to wonder why this happened. You didn’t deserve this.”

• “You don’t have to make sense of this right now — it’s okay to just feel what you feel.”

💬 Instead of “Good vibes only!”

➡️ Try:

• “You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s okay to have bad days.”

• “All your feelings are valid — you don’t have to hide them.”

💬 Instead of “It could be worse.”

➡️ Try:

• “That sounds really painful. I’m sorry you’re going through that.”

• “Even if others have it worse, your feelings still matter.”

💬 Instead of “Don’t cry.”

➡️ Try:

• “It’s okay to cry — it’s a healthy way to let your feelings out.”

• “You’re safe to express your emotions here.”

💬 Instead of “You’ll get over it.”

➡️ Try:

• “Take all the time you need to heal.”

• “This sounds like it’s still affecting you — do you want to talk about it?”

💬 Instead of “Look on the bright side.”

➡️ Try:

• “I know you’re trying to find something good in this, but it’s okay to just feel hurt or disappointed right now.”

• “When you’re ready, we can look for next steps — but for now, I’m just here to listen.”

Empathetic responses work because they:

✅ Acknowledge the person’s pain.

✅ Validate their emotions as normal.

✅ Offer support without judgment or pressure to “be happy.”

Kathryne Arnold is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist at Wellness Counseling, and is an Integrative Mental Health Provider as well. Kathryne is also a Certified Fellow of Clinical Hypnotherapy. Please reach out to her directly at 727-537-9211 to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to discuss her services and how she can help you start your journey to better mental health.