In the world of relationship science, John Gottman stands as one of the leading figures, renowned for his research on what makes relationships thrive and what causes them to falter. Through decades of studying couples, he has developed a deep understanding of human connection, identifying key patterns that either strengthen or destabilize relationships. Among the many concepts Gottman has explored, two critical dynamics that can undermine relationships are overwhelm and avoidance.
In this blog, we’ll dive into how Gottman explains these dynamics, their impact on relationships, and what you can do to manage them to foster healthier, more stable connections with your partner.
What is Overwhelm in Relationships?
Overwhelm refers to the emotional state where one or both partners in a relationship feel flooded by strong emotions. These feelings can stem from conflict, stress, unmet needs, or overwhelming life circumstances. When a person is overwhelmed, they may feel as if they cannot cope with the situation or respond in a calm, rational way.
Gottman describes emotional flooding as a state in which a person’s physiological response to stress is so intense that they cannot engage in constructive problem-solving. The heart rate increases, adrenaline levels rise, and a person may feel out of control or emotionally paralyzed. This leads to an inability to hear or understand the partner’s perspective, further intensifying the conflict.
The Impact of Overwhelm on Relationships
When a partner becomes overwhelmed, communication breaks down, which can create a cycle of miscommunication and tension. Here’s how overwhelm can affect a relationship:
Escalated Conflict: When emotions are running high, it’s easy for disagreements to escalate. Overwhelm causes people to focus more on their own emotions rather than listening to their partner, leading to a back-and-forth of frustration and anger.
Increased Negative Emotions: As overwhelm intensifies, partners may start to experience negative emotions like resentment, helplessness, or fear. This not only erodes intimacy but can create a toxic environment in which both partners feel emotionally unsafe.
Difficulty Finding Solutions: Overwhelmed individuals struggle to problem-solve. When one or both partners are flooded with emotion, they become less likely to approach the issue with a collaborative mindset, preventing them from finding solutions that work for both.
Physical Symptoms: Gottman’s research has shown that emotional flooding can even manifest in physical ways—such as increased heart rate or shallow breathing—making it even harder for the couple to engage with each other in a meaningful way.
What is Avoidance in Relationships?
Avoidance, as described by Gottman, is the act of emotionally distancing oneself from difficult situations or emotions in the relationship. When one partner feels overwhelmed, they may respond by avoiding conflict altogether, withdrawing from discussions, or suppressing their feelings. This avoidance can manifest as:
Silent Treatment: Ignoring the other person or refusing to engage in conversation.
Physical Withdrawal: Leaving the room or avoiding face-to-face interactions.
Emotional Disengagement: Mentally or emotionally "checking out" during interactions, even though physically present
While avoidance may offer temporary relief from conflict or difficult emotions, it has serious long-term consequences for relationships.
The Impact of Avoidance on Relationships
Avoidance can have several damaging effects on a relationship:
Lack of Communication: Avoiding difficult conversations prevents important issues from being addressed, leading to unresolved problems that build up over time. This can create a sense of emotional distance between partners.
Emotional Disconnection: When one partner withdraws emotionally, the other partner can feel abandoned or neglected. This creates an emotional gap that can be hard to bridge, leaving both individuals feeling isolated.
Bottling Up Negative Emotions: Avoiding conflict or uncomfortable feelings may temporarily ease tension, but it doesn’t resolve underlying issues. Over time, this can lead to emotional buildup that eventually erupts in a bigger, more destructive way.
Avoidance as a Form of Controlling the Relationship: Some partners use avoidance as a way to control the dynamic, leading to power imbalances in the relationship. This behavior can foster resentment, as one person feels constantly shut out, while the other gets to avoid the discomfort of confrontation.
Gottman’s Strategies for Managing Overwhelm and Avoidance
So, how can couples work through these challenges to build stronger, more connected relationships:
Practice Self-Soothing Techniques: When feeling overwhelmed, it’s important for individuals to take a step back and manage their emotions. Gottman suggests self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or even taking a short break from the conversation to regain composure. This can help reduce emotional flooding and restore the ability to communicate effectively.
Use the 20-Minute Rule: In his research, Gottman suggests that couples should set a time limit for heated discussions. After 20 minutes of escalating conflict, the brain becomes flooded, and communication becomes less effective. Taking a break allows partners to return to the conversation when they are calm and better able to listen to one another.
Create a Culture of Appreciation: Building a positive emotional environment can reduce the likelihood of overwhelm and avoidance. Partners who express appreciation for each other regularly are more likely to approach conflicts from a place of mutual respect, rather than defensiveness or withdrawal.
Avoid the Four Horsemen: Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — are behaviors that contribute to overwhelm and avoidance. Couples can avoid these negative patterns by practicing active listening, showing empathy, and responding constructively to conflict.
Work on Communication Skills: To avoid withdrawal, couples can learn and practice healthier communication techniques, like reflective listening and expressing feelings without blame. When both partners feel heard and understood, the urge to avoid the conversation diminishes.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If overwhelm and avoidance are recurring issues, couples therapy can be a helpful space for addressing the root causes. A skilled therapist can guide couples through these emotions and help them develop tools to manage conflict productively.
Conclusion
John Gottman’s research provides invaluable insights into the dynamics of overwhelm and avoidance in relationships. At Wellness Counseling, Karen Plant has been trained as a level 3 Gottman Couples Counselor, and she is a member of the Gottman Institute. She can help you recognizing the patterns of overwhelm and avoidance patterns. She can help you take proactive steps to foster deeper understanding, compassion, and connection. Overwhelm and avoidance are not insurmountable challenges; with the right tools and a commitment to growth, you can transform these hurdles into opportunities for deeper emotional intimacy and lasting connection. Call Karen today for a free consultation.
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