Compromise can feel like giving in and giving up in a relationship. It doesn’t have to, but couples often become polarized in gridlock because issues seem to have a “winner” and a “loser”. One person gets their way, and the other person doesn’t. In relationships, when one person is the winner, both individuals lose.
According to John Gottman, the biggest barriers to compromise are not realizing that even a temporary compromise can be a success. According to Gottman’s research, 69% of what couples argue about is a persistent issue in the relationship and may not be completely solvable.
These perpetual problems stem from differences in personalities, upbringing, values, and core needs. These factors can get in the way of compromise, but it does not mean the relationship is doomed. If the couple can examine the core needs that are “at stake” in first exploring the conflict, it makes it easier to identify not only the areas of inflexibility (core need) but the areas in which there are possibilities for flexibility.
A core need is a “must have”, not a “it would be nice to have”. Core needs are tied to our values, your identity and your wellbeing. When a couple digs into the meaning behind their core needs, it becomes easier to understand why they are important.
According to Gottman, the key to compromise is to explore the core needs/beliefs of each partner and why they are important, and then try to identify areas where there is flexibility.
I use the two-oval method with couples so that they can each discuss their core needs as well as areas in which flexibility is possible. I provide a safe, supportive environment in couples counseling so that each client feels heard and understood. Each person writes down the core areas… your must haves. Then we explore the areas of flexibility. This list should be longer than the first one. We want to explore all the possible ways we can meet our partner halfway. Then we communicate our needs and areas of flexibility in a way that a temporary compromise may be reached.
You can reevaluate your compromise later and make adjustments as needed. It requires meeting your partner halfway and having awareness about things that are non-negotiable. It is important for each client to be heard and understood.
In reaching compromise, it is important for both individuals to be truthful about what they need so that “we both give up something so we can both win.”
Keywords: Compromise, Relationships, Gottman, Communication
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