When thinking about conflict in a relationship, it is important to ascertain whether a problem is solvable or perpetual. Sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. All couples have them. These problems are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people face. They are either fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.
Instead of solving perpetual problems, what seems to be important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about them. If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes gridlocked, and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement. In today’s post, we want to take the opportunity to explain the difference between a solvable problem, a perpetual problem, and a gridlocked perpetual problem.
Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.
Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.
Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.
The Gottman Method focuses on building emotional intelligence and developing skills for managing conflict and enhancing friendship to help couples create a system of shared meaning in your relationship. What matters is not solving perpetual problems, but rather the affect with which they are discussed. The goal should be to establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem, rather than allowing it to fall into the condition of gridlock. Gridlocked discussions only lead to painful exchanges or icy silence, and almost always involve the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness).
Here are some ways to determine whether or not you’ve arrived at gridlock in any of your perpetual relationship problems and a few ways to start communicating about them.
There is a series of characteristics common to gridlocked problems. By using this simple checklist, you can determine whether or not you have reached total gridlock in any of those infuriatingly repetitive problems you may have in your relationship:
The conflict leaves you feeling rejected by your partner.
No matter how much you talk about it, you feel thwarted. Despite your best attempts, you are making absolutely no headway in the problem area.
You become so impossibly entrenched in your positions that neither you nor your partner plan to budge.
Anytime the subject comes up, you invariably feel frustrated and hurt.
Your conversations about the problem are unpleasant, devoid of humor, amusement, or expressions of affection.
Your inability to budge increases with the passage of time, leading the two of you to vilify each other when this conflict arises.
As you vilify each other, your inability to budge and polarization in your views increases, and your chances of reaching a compromise plummet.
Upon traversing this delightful territory, the two of you end up in the land of total emotional disengagement.
There is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched in it you feel. As Dr. John Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, all you need is the motivation and willingness to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock. The key will be to uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life. Unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed, before you can put the problem in its place by openly communicating about it.
Karen Plant, M.S., LMHC, with Wellness Counseling is a Level 3 Gottman Couples Counselor. She can help you identify whether your problems are solvable or perpetual and help you learn how to deal with all types of relationship conflict. Call today!
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