An affair or significant emotional betrayal rocks your relationship! It takes a significant toll on both the relationship and the person who has been injured. It emerges as a symptom of something larger wrong with the relationship: usually including emotional distance and disconnection. When partners pull away from one another, the potential for an affair increases (whether the distance is emotional or sexual, or both.) Stressors that naturally occur in a relationship can create conflict that feels insurmountable. If the relationship can be salvaged, it is important for healing and recovery for several things to occur. If you notice, I include an emotional betrayal along with sexual affairs. With the advent of social media and digital methods of contacting people, I have encountered more and more betrayals that did not necessarily involve sexual contact in couples counseling. They can still have a serious impact on the relationship.
When an affair or emotional betrayal occurs, it is important for the person who had the affair to acknowledge and take responsibility for their actions. Justifying and blaming may be natural response, but it is not helpful. As a couple’s counselor, I ensure that prior to starting therapy, the affair is completely ended. There is no room in the relationship (either the counselling or the love relationship) for ongoing contact or secrecy.
The ”transgressing” partner should be transparent. If trust is ever to be regained, there must be honesty and transparency about actions, feeling, and motivations. Although it will be natural for the person who had the affair not to want to answer questions, it is important for the information to be shared. I advise couples answer any and all questions unless they are about the sex acts themselves. Sexual information does not serve the couple well and can cause damage and add to the PTSD the partner is experiencing.
Yes, I said PTSD. Although an affair or emotional betrayal may not be “life threatening”, the responses experienced by the client are often very similar to PTSD. The partner who experiences betrayal often tells me they feel “crazy”. They aren’t sleeping, they have trouble eating, and they experience intrusive thoughts as well as “flashbacks” of memories. Extremes of emotion are also common (feelings of anger along with hurt). Often clients say that the “truth” of what they thought about their relationship no longer exists, and they now question their version of reality. I try to do some psychoeducation about the symptoms and make both partners aware of the “normal” response to crisis.
I emphasize that the person who had the affair needs to rebuild trust through answering questions honestly, being patient, and following through on commitments. It is necessary to be reliable, consistent, and dependable for as long as it takes. Trust must ne earned, and there is no set time limit for how long this takes. Every couple is different.
In therapy, I work with the couple to foster a culture of appreciation, even when it may feel impossible. The issues surrounding an affair are usually complex and sometimes longstanding. The underlying factors need to be addressed, but in a way that fosters empathy and respect. Not only can relationships survive affairs, but if the lessons learned are used to rebuild and reinvent the relationship, it can become stronger and more resilient than it has ever been.
Karen L. Plant, M.S., LMHC
Level 3 Gottman Couples Counselor
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