How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship

How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship – According to Dr. John Gottman

Trust is the foundation of every strong relationship — but what happens when it’s broken?

Whether caused by infidelity, dishonesty, or emotional distance, a breach of trust can feel like a deep wound. And while rebuilding trust isn’t easy, it is possible. According to Dr. John Gottman — one of the most respected voices in relationship research — rebuilding trust is a process rooted in emotional attunement, consistent effort, and mutual vulnerability.

In this post, we’ll explore how to rebuild trust in a relationship through Gottman’s research-based approach.

Understanding Trust: The "Trust Metric"

Dr. Gottman defines trust not just as a belief in your partner’s fidelity or honesty, but as “knowing that your partner has your back.”

He explains trust as a dynamic, ongoing process made up of small moments of connection — what he calls “sliding door moments.” These are everyday situations where one partner has a choice: to turn toward their partner emotionally, or to turn away.

Over time, turning toward builds trust. Turning away chips it away.

Step 1: Take Responsibility and Express Remorse

Rebuilding trust starts with accountability. If you've broken your partner’s trust:

• Own what you did without excuses.

  
  

• Show genuine remorse and understanding of how your actions hurt them.

  
  

• Avoid defensiveness. Gottman notes that defensiveness often escalates conflict and undermines healing.

  
  

Apologizing is not enough. You need to validate their pain and show that you’re committed to repair.

What this looks like:

“I can see how much I hurt you, and I regret my actions deeply. I want to understand what you’re feeling and work to make this right.”

Step 2: Commit to "Attunement"

Dr. Gottman coined the acronym ATTUNE to describe how couples can rebuild trust through emotional connection:

• Awareness of your partner’s emotions

  
  

• Turning toward the emotion

  
  

• Tolerance of two different viewpoints

  
  

• Understanding your partner

  
  

• Non-defensive responses

  
  

• Empathy

  
  

Practicing ATTUNE means becoming emotionally available and showing your partner that their feelings matter. Trust grows when partners feel safe expressing vulnerability without fear of judgment or dismissal.

Step 3: Create a Trust Ritual

Consistency matters. Rebuilding trust is not a one-time fix; it’s about showing up, over and over again.

Gottman encourages couples to create rituals of connection — daily or weekly habits that foster closeness and predictability. These might include:

• A daily check-in after work

  
  

• A weekly “State of the Union” conversation (more on that below)

  
  

• Bedtime routines of expressing gratitude or affection

  
  

Rituals give your partner the message: “You can count on me.”

Step 4: Have a "State of the Union" Conversation Weekly

One of Gottman’s most powerful tools is the “State of the Union” meeting — a weekly check-in where couples calmly talk about the relationship.

This is your chance to:

• Discuss what’s going well

  
  

• Bring up issues in a non-blaming way

  
  

• Express appreciation and needs

  
  

• Strengthen your emotional connection

  
  

The key? Keep it gentle, respectful, and focused on understanding, not winning.

Step 5: Practice Transparency

After a betrayal, uncertainty is a major source of anxiety. Gottman suggests practicing radical transparency to rebuild trust. This doesn’t mean micromanaging or being controlled — it means voluntarily offering openness.

Examples:

• Sharing whereabouts or plans without being asked

  
  

• Being open about texts or social media if that’s a point of pain

  
  

• Talking about emotions, even when it’s uncomfortable

  
  

Transparency sends the signal: “I have nothing to hide.”

Step 6: Seek Professional Support If Needed

Sometimes, the wounds are too deep or complex to navigate alone. Gottman-trained therapists specialize in helping couples work through betrayal and rebuild trust through research-based methods.

If you’re struggling to communicate or keep falling into the same patterns, seeking therapy is not a sign of failure — it’s a sign of commitment.

Final Thoughts

Rebuilding trust isn’t about perfection — it’s about repair.

According to Dr. John Gottman, relationships don’t thrive because couples never mess up. They thrive because partners learn how to repair ruptures, turn toward each other, and foster emotional safety.

If you’re willing to do the work — with empathy, patience, and consistency — trust can be rebuilt. And often, couples emerge even stronger on the other side.